


The Wall

by supernaturallylost



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Life in the bunker, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3409679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturallylost/pseuds/supernaturallylost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tiny tale of Castiel's first time in the Bunker as a human, and the turmoil it causes within.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wall

Cas stands in the library for a few minutes before Sam walks in. When Sam notices Cas, he jumps.

“Woah!” Sam yells.

Motionless, Cas stands staring at the wall across the room.

“Cas? What are you doing?”

Cas doesn’t look up or move, but he says, “Do you know what I expected when I fell from heaven? When I became human, do you know what my first thought was? I thought, ‘I’ll be like Sam and Dean.’ I thought I’d just naturally be like both of you, who are so sure. I’ve always looked to you for guidance, but until I fell, I didn’t realize how hard it is to be so certain. I guess I just thought, after being around both of you so long, I’d know what to do.”

Sam’s brow furrowed, his head tilted, and his shoulders fell.

“I was wrong,” Castiel continued. “I’m nothing compared to you. Both of you – the Winchesters. You’re strong, and I am weak. You’re brave, and I’m a coward. You’re determined, and I’m unsure. I am so much less than either of you. And Dean…”

Castiel lets out a quiet laugh, but doesn’t finish his sentence. When he continues, his voice is a little bit thicker.

“But neither of you care,” he shrugs humorlessly. “I always admired your courage, your strength. How can I ever compare to that? He was right when he said I’m only a child. I’m lost, unsure.”

“Cas,” Sam finally shakes his head, “most people wander around in a much worse state than yours. Hell, I was lost for years. Going to Stanford, rejoining this life over and over after trying to stop it… I’m just as lost as everyone else. Even Dean doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. He makes jokes and tries to be fearless, but he’s just as lost as we all are. Cas, people can go their entire lives without any clue as to who they are or what they can do. Being human isn’t about knowing, it’s about learning. You just have to be patient and learn as much as you can while you’re here.”

Cas’ lips twitch. He looks sideways at Sam, half-smiling and half-tearful.

“Do all humans have this ache?” he whispers.

“Yes,” Sam nods, frowning. “I know I do, at least. Everyone I’ve ever met has.”

Though Cas’ voice cannot be heard, Sam understands his question just by the movement of his eyes and the twitch of his lips.

“Yes, even Dean,” Sam sighs. “Especially Dean. He just tries to hide it so no one else has to deal with it.”

Cas nods slowly, turning back to the wall.

Sam peers over at the wall, but he sees nothing extraordinary.

“Cas? How long have you been staring at that wall?”

Cas slowly walks over to the wall, saying, “I guess I never really thought about it before. I was more concerned with questions of mortality. I was so worried about the new parts of being human, the gained responsibilities, that I didn’t realize what I was losing. Strange that something so simple can evoke such a powerful ache.”

He stops at the wall and feels the last bit of his former self drain away.

“I’m not who I used to be,” Cas said, “so who am I?”

Sam moves closer and sees what Cas is touching. Sam puts a silent hand on Cas’ shoulder.

Cas’ hand does not burn, freeze, or even tingle. Everything he’s ever known is gone. Only this action could have ever forced the realization upon him:

Angel warding doesn’t affect him anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments welcome!


End file.
